Sexy Feast: Shucking is Like F#@king at Elliott’s Oyster House

elliotts_8617_shuck_600Ask about a good deal on oysters, and you’ll likely get directed to Elliott’s Oyster House on the downtown waterfront. Each weekday, Elliott’s offers a progressive oyster happy hour from 3pm to 6pm. At 3pm, chef’s choice of oysters runs fifty cents apiece, with the price increasing twenty-five cents every half hour. Sneak in just before 6pm, and they’re $1.75 each before jumping to regular price.

I went to Elliott’s recently, and watched sous chef Charles Glenn shuck local favorites like kumamotos and hama hamas. Glenn was cracking through the shells and cranking through piles of oysters with ease. They were so delicious that I could almost eat them as fast as he shucked them.

So what do Elliott Oyster House’s oysters teach us about sex?

It’s all about avoiding injury.

I remember the first time I brought home store-bought oysters. I didn’t have a shucking knife, but armed with a dishtowel and a small screwdriver, I was able to open them successfully (and bloodlessly) despite the high degree of difficulty. Later attempts with a shucking knife proved much easier. But not everyone escapes injury-free when seeking pearls of pleasure.

And it’s the same with sex.

In the throes of passion, it’s not uncommon to pull a muscle or suffer a cramp, especially when trying to pull off more complex positions. Fingernail scratches can be a problem on the back, in the front, or even on the private parts. Nibbles can easily turn into bites and even hickeys. And there’s the inherent risk of slipping in the shower or even falling off the bed.

(Note that I’m just talking injuries, and not infections or diseases. On that front, it’s worth deploying protective gloves for hands just like using protective “gloves” for penises.)

But the risk is worth the reward, isn’t it? After all, a little injury is sometimes a small price to pay for chance after chance of juicy pleasure. At Elliott’s Oyster House, happy hour is the perfect time to pursue multiple rounds of such pleasure–providing an aphrodisiac experience for more prurient pursuits to follow.

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on July 7, 2011.

Elliott's Oyster House on Urbanspoon


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