Yeah, I’ve been watching Top Chef Masters this season, even after all three Seattle chefs fell in their first episodes. I got a kick out of this week’s episode when Susur Lee (who’s a kick himself) made a lust-filled dessert, including a “little triangle” which prompted one of the judges to say “I think everything is a vagina.”

I’ve had the fortune of attending this festival, held at the Kanamara Shrine in Kawasaki, featuring penis carving contests (wood and vegetable carvings), penis-shaped lollipops, phallic see-saws, and a parade through town that includes drag queens carrying a massive pink penis. The event is actually steeped in tradition, dating back to the Edo period when prostitutes would pray for protection against disease. To this day, couples go to the shrine with hope of promoting fertility. The atmosphere is truly festive, and also marks an occasion to raise money for HIV research.

In honor of the event, Matsuri restaurant in New York served a one-night Penis Matsuri menu yesterday. Chef Tadashi Ono’s creations included:

• Get It Up Hot Pot ($23) – a traditional Japanese Hot Pot of oyster and sea urchin in dashi broth
• Big Sausage ($18) – with sea scallops and spicy cod roe
• Hard Banana Cream Pie ($9) – caramelized with chocolate ice cream

I was wondering why Seattle doesn’t do something to celebrate Sunday’s Kanamara Matsuri when I got this notice from Babeland about an Easter-themed treat they called the Vibrating Chocolate Bunny:

Good news ladies, you no longer have to choose between your two favorite passions: chocolate and sex. Just in time for Easter, Babeland introduces the first-ever Vibrating Chocolate Bunny–designed to satisfy both your cravings. Wrapped in smooth, seamless gold foil, the vibrator can be used as you would any Rabbit Vibrator to stimulate both the clitoris and the G-spot. But, when you’ve had your fill, simply remove the disposable motor, unwrap the toy, and voila: you’ve got your very own, very special chocolate Easter bunny. Once you’ve feasted on the delicious milk chocolate bunny, what’s left of the bunny (the foil wrapper and the motor) can be recycled, making this one very eco-friendly rabbit. Available for a limited time only. Buy now, $49.

I suspected it was an April Fools’ prank (the furnished link led to a day-long bonus deal), but as Babeland itself pointed out, I hope that maybe this fantasy can one day turn into a reality. Wouldn’t that help make future April Sundays (and, heck, all days) a phallic-filled festivus for the rest of us?

“On the verge of bein’ obscene” is how Prince describes his babe’s body in this 1982 classic; it’s also an apt description of the song itself. On the surface, “Little Red Corvette” sounds like it’s about a car, but it is filled with not-so-hidden sexual references. Chef Savuthy “T” Dye of Urbane, who suggested this song after participating in last month’s Dish-Off, envisioned the use of aphrodisiacal foods, but adds that since the song is about a woman going too fast (and a man who wants her to slow down), this month’s chefs might “move in a different direction, concentrating on the words ‘fast’ and ‘slow’—maybe doing a gourmet take on fast food, or a combination of fast and slow foods on the same plate.” How will two Wallingford chefs get down and dirty in making a main dish that would please a Prince—or at least T and me?

Avila: Swordfish and Puttanesca Sauce

When told of the song, Chef Alex Pitts and his team at Avila thought “fast cars and fast women” and immediately wanted to serve something that moves fast in the wild, settling on swordfish. “Since it’s predatory, it’s perfect for the song,” Pitts says. The fish is well-chosen, and well-cooked. As for the sauce with a name (as we saw in October, when Branzino prepared it) that means “of a whore,” restaurant owner Jared Carpenter explains delicately: “Prince is basically talking about a woman who—what’s the best way to put it—enjoys life.” This modern take on puttanesca sauce is colorful and delightful, featuring (Tuscan) Controne beans, Castelvetrano olives, cherry tomatoes and yellow peppers. A polenta cone finishes the dish, which looks as good as it tastes. I especially like the olives, a noted aphrodisiac.

Cantinetta: Pork Three Ways

Cantinetta chef Brian Cartenuto is quite the character, as is easy to discern from his “Bachelor in the Kitchen” blog. This challenge was right up his alley. When he brings the pork-filled plate, he announces, “The song is not only about sex, but it’s actually all about vaginas.” As I wonder whether this will be suitable for publication, he adds, “When I think about vaginas, I think about ‘porking,’ and since no one likes to do it in just one position, I present to you ‘Pork Three Ways.’” On one side, braised pork belly, crisped in pork fat, on a bed of shaved Brussels sprouts with pancetta; on the other, a pork and shrimp “shumai”—actually more like sausage on a stick—served with stone-ground mustard, and kohlrabi and grapefruit salad. Cartenuto is a crazy chef cooking crazily good food.

Photos by Rina Jordan. (Click to enlarge them.)

Note: Dish-Off reviews are based on announced visits. Restaurants get guidelines and choose what to serve according to the month’s song.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Mine started with a huge turkey dinner for eight which I won from Whole Foods Market in Interbay. (Thanks!) Made some kimchi that day (my first with salted shrimp) which I’ll test tomorrow. Thanksgiving leftovers turned into turkey stock (for turkey noodle soup) and a Vietnamese cabbage and turkey salad, which Akiko and I took, along with some homemade lemongrass ice cream, to our friends Lorna and Henry – who made some pho for us.

Saturday we had sliders for ART’s sliders for a light lunch, and then Akiko took me out for a great sushi meal for dinner. Walking to our bus afterward, we made an impulse stop for a dessert I’ve been wanting to try for many, many months. Today, Akiko made gyoza and I made Chinese almond cookies which we took to a dumpling and cookies party.

Tomorrow I should be posting the November Dish-Off results. After that, my goal is to catch up on a few dozen restaurant write-ups in reverse order, starting with the recent sushi dinner and dessert. Stay tuned!

Yes, you read that right.

I was at an unveiling at Copper Gate, the Viking bar in Ballard with Scandinavian sensibility about sex. Contributing to the scenery are breasts, bras, and a Barbie orgy—that’s inside the women’s bathroom, along with a rideable vibrator. But near the men’s bathroom (with its own goodies inside), I spotted a very interesting set of double doors. I had a hunch (the clitoris at the top gave it away), but said nothing.

After some plates and aquavits, it was time to open the doors, entering slowly and then excitedly. Red, undulating walls led to the Blushing Pearl, also known as the Pussy Room, a lounge where my group enjoyed dessert and drinks while watching a burlesque-esque performance featuring a lingerie-clad woman, a suspended ring, and musical accompaniment—including an organ.

More on this to come…

In celebration of rights to same-sex marriage in the state of Vermont, hometown heroes Ben and Jerry have renamed the popular Chubby Hubby flavor to Hubby Hubby. Ben & Jerry’s has partnered with Freedom to Marry to support marriage equality, and in light of Vermont’s victory, invites you to Vermont scoop shops to buy a Hubby Hubby Sundae.

The sundaes are not available in Seattle, but we can certainly hope to have a similar celebration if Washington ultimately supports the domestic partnership law being challenged here later this year. Perhaps a visit to a local Ben & Jerry’s scoop shop can help make that happen.

It might not be happening here in Seattle, but across the pond in London, The Icecreamists are “liberating the world one lick at a time” with their introduction of a dessert called The Sex Pistol. This “vice cream” concoction has a variety of substances to get you in the mood, including arginine, biloba, guarana and ginkgo, as well as a shot of absinthe on the top. And, yes, it also contains sildenafil citrate, better known as Viagra.

This dessert will be available at the Selfridges department store starting September 10. Look for a limit of one per customer, with a minimum age of 18 to purchase. Expected cost is about $20. Not bad for a sweet…and a treat.

(Okay…this is fun and all, but one serious question remains: Why are sexual “pleasure promoters” like Viagra so praised, while “problem preventers” like condoms are so villified? Television can run ads for Viagra at any hour, but the same isn’t true for condoms. Insurance policies often cover erectile dysfunction drugs, but not birth control. Etc. This applies internationally, as seen in this recent article, as well as in the United States. I know… it’s ultimately all about gender, class, religion, etc. – topics deeper than this blog typically explores. The whole thing makes me want to just go and, well, eat ice cream.)