Sexy Feast: 8 Oz. Burger Bar and a Test of Manhood

8oz burger_640c_391Seattle’s burger boom continues. With the opening of 8 Oz. Burger Bar in Capitol Hill, we now have a burger joint boasting about size as a differentiator. The namesake burger, “The 8 Oz.,” is pretty straightforward, featuring a half-pound blend of sirloin, tri-tip, short rib, and chuck, along with iceberg lettuce, pickles, tomato, white onion, and the house special sauce.

The burger is a massive affair, a two-fister. I ordered one with the highly touted French fries, made with Kennebec potatoes. Combined, I already had the makings of a “supersized” meal. If hungrier, I’d have added a strawberry shake or chocolate malt, both featuring Bluebird ice cream.

So what does 8 Oz. Burger Bar’s burger and fries teach us about sex?

It’s all about how it’s more than size that matters.

I trust that my burger weighed in at eight ounces. Impressive enough. Just as the big portions at Claim Jumper or Cheesecake Factory can impress–until you start eating. Oh, some people like those restaurants, preferring quantity over quality. They’re happy to have their fill, but others want a more fulfilling experience.

“The 8 Oz.” wasn’t bad, but there were some problems. I applaud the use of local brioche bread (from Grateful Bread), but it wasn’t cut to a desired proportion. The bun was top-heavy, with the thin bottom on the hard side but then quickly getting soggy. Due to the poor construction, the burger fell apart after a few bites, requiring extra napkins. And while the meat was fairly flavorful (though quite red for medium-rare, in a way that might scare some diners), the rest was pretty non-descript for a pricey burger–including a sauce I didn’t find to be so “special.”

As for the rest of the package, the potatoes were double-fried, but lost something in the process. The fries were crisp on the outside, but instead of being creamy inside, they were dry, with an almost stale taste. (A friend and I suspect they’re held in the cooler too long between frying.) In the end, something big like The 8 Oz. with fries sounds spectacular, but falls flat when the technique and packaging don’t support it.

It’s the same with sex.

Many men obsess about penis size and worry that they don’t measure up, and as a result won’t be able to pleasure their partners. Watching porn doesn’t help the cause, as the men in those movies tend to be well-endowed.

It’s natural to wonder if you’re “normal.” Men constantly compare themselves to others in the locker-room, stealing sideways glances. But note that when a man sees his own penis, he is typically looking down, which gives a shortened perspective. Furthermore, erections tend to be the great equalizers when it comes to the penis. (I’m not going to get into statistics here, but you can check online sources if you need the numbers.)

More important, it’s who you are and what you do with what you’ve got that counts. As we sex educators say, it’s not the float of the boat, but the motion of the ocean that counts. In terms of meat, packaged right and prepared with good technique, 4 ounces or inches can easily outperform 8 ounces or inches.

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on January 26, 2012.

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