Gastrolust

With one day in Raleigh earlier this week, I had an opportunity for a couple of quick meals.

For lunch, J. Betski’s would be the perfect place for something different. The eastern European menu attracted me, particularly the pierogies, as I’ve been preparing some at home recently. Unfortunately, the liverwurst pierogies with fennel marmalade and sage brown butter were no longer on the menu, and with a desire to try some house-made sausage, I went with a combination platter that included sauerkraut. This tilted my choice away from mushroom and cabbage as the filling, going instead with potato and cheese. Lightly pan-fried, the pair of them were delicious, the filling creamy and a little sour cream adding to the fatty delight. Both half-sausages were good, though I preferred the bite of the smoked kielbasa over the bratwurst, and I enjoyed alternating between two mustards.

Contemplating the dessert menu, I realized what I really wanted to round out the meal: the roasted beet salad from the regular menu. The toasted pumpkinseed oil was a perfect dressing for the greens, and I loved the tower of beet rounds layered with horseradish quark. The dish was perfectly savory with just the right amount of sweetness.

Slightly sick but in a dumpling mood, I took a light dinner at David’s Dumpling and Noodle Bar. I started with “David’s original half-fried dumplings” ($5.50), which the server said were filled with pork and cabbage. These were more like dense meatballs (with very little in the vegetable department) inside a house-made wrapper. The frying crisped them nicely without being overdone, but overall, the dumplings were quite heavy. I asked afterward about these, and was told that “we make them to satisfy American tastes.”

I thought some soup would help fight my cold, and my eye caught pork, pickled turnip, and ginger noodle soup on the menu. This warmed me up nicely, and hopefully the ginger helped, but the soup was also a bit on the heavy side. The restaurant itself is quite contemporary with the central bar area a focal point.

Neopolitan, Chicago, and American. These are the three styles of pizza featured in the first three weeks of this month’s “Pizza Parlor Friday Holler.” For the final installment, this New Yorker headed back down the hill to Lower Queen Anne to visit New York Pizza & Bar (NYP).

NYP is located in the Lumen Building at 500 Mercer. You might recall that the glassy condos there took forever to fill, ultimately going to auction. Retail space has posed a similar challenge, with New York Pizza the second restaurant (after Genki Sushi) to open there. The space is large, divided into a bar area with sports on the screens and a dining room (“family” side) that’s clean and contemporary, smacking slightly of an art gallery. (Kudos to NYP for featuring a contemporary artist’s work on the walls, though the dedicated lighting could be better.)

As much as I enjoyed the month’s previous pizzas, I’d been salivating at the thought of New York-style pies so close to home since this restaurant opened. I waded through the large pizza menu (there are also appetizers, salads, burgers, pastas, sandwiches, and more), frustrated that I couldn’t find a basic New York pizza. (You won’t find the oven in sight, either, but know that it’s a brick one.) The restaurant advertises the pizzas as “New York-style” (in a “Northwest atmosphere,” though I’m not sure what that means), but what this seems to amount to is a list of New York-named pizzas like “The Bronx Bomber” (BBQ sauce, seasoned chicken, red onion, and cilantro), “The ‘Mickey Mantle’” (pepperoni, Italian sausage, black olives, and red onions), and “The Empire State” (chicken, avocado, tomato, parmesan cheese, and alfredo sauce)—some of which don’t sound very New York-style at all.

Lacking a true New York pizza, I chose two 10-inchers that came closest to what I wanted:

The Manhattan ($9.99), advertised as “simply the best pepperoni pizza you’ll ever have.” (Um…no.)

The Margherita ($11.99), with red sauce and sliced mozzarella, topped with basil and tomatoes after baking.

My preference for a Margherita pizza is simply high quality tomato sauce and Buffalo mozzarella, topped with hand-torn basil. I’m not sure why NYP puts tomato slices on this simple pie, especially when the tomatoes were as anemic as these.

I suppose one could request the Margherita without tomatoes (at savings for de-topping?) or a simple cheese pizza (apparently a customized order) to get closest to a real New York pizza, but the cross-sectioned photo above shows the pizza problem. This is far from New York-style pizza. Oh, there’s a little melted cheese and drippy oil on action on the surface, but the dough is too thick, making this more of a generic American-style pizza.

Luckily, the week before, I was in Boca Raton and had pizza to serve as a point of comparison. As much as I generally dislike the restaurant scene in Boca, the one redeeming factor is that the large number of predominantly Jewish retirees makes the area “New York South,” and therefore an area to get decent bagels, deli, and pizza. Here’s a peek in the pizza I got at a place called Dominic’s:

This pizza was waiting for pick-up at the restaurant and took a ten-minute ride back to my father’s home before I shot the photo and took a slice. Still, it tasted terrific. Not as good as Di Fara in Brooklyn, my favorite pizza in the world, but good enough to transport me back to New York.

Is there anywhere I can find a true New York-style slice in Seattle? I have a couple more pizza places on my to-try list. Sadly, I didn’t like what I had at New York Pizza & Bar. Like the Lumen Building, I fear NYP might have trouble filling all of its space unless it finds a way to auction (or alter) its pizzas.

Seattle’s burger boom continues. With the opening of 8 Oz. Burger Bar in Capitol Hill, we now have a burger joint boasting about size as a differentiator. The namesake burger, “The 8 Oz.,” is pretty straightforward, featuring a half-pound blend of sirloin, tri-tip, short rib, and chuck, along with iceberg lettuce, pickles, tomato, white onion, and the house special sauce.

The burger is a massive affair, a two-fister. I ordered one with the highly touted French fries, made with Kennebec potatoes. Combined, I already had the makings of a “supersized” meal. If hungrier, I’d have added a strawberry shake or chocolate malt, both featuring Bluebird ice cream.

So what does 8 Oz. Burger Bar’s burger and fries teach us about sex?

It’s all about how it’s more than size that matters.

I trust that my burger weighed in at eight ounces. Impressive enough. Just as the big portions at Claim Jumper or Cheesecake Factory can impress–until you start eating. Oh, some people like those restaurants, preferring quantity over quality. They’re happy to have their fill, but others want a more fulfilling experience.

“The 8 Oz.” wasn’t bad, but there were some problems. I applaud the use of local brioche bread (from Grateful Bread), but it wasn’t cut to a desired proportion. The bun was top-heavy, with the thin bottom on the hard side but then quickly getting soggy. Due to the poor construction, the burger fell apart after a few bites, requiring extra napkins. And while the meat was fairly flavorful (though quite red for medium-rare, in a way that might scare some diners), the rest was pretty non-descript for a pricey burger–including a sauce I didn’t find to be so “special.”

As for the rest of the package, the potatoes were double-fried, but lost something in the process. The fries were crisp on the outside, but instead of being creamy inside, they were dry, with an almost stale taste. (A friend and I suspect they’re held in the cooler too long between frying.) In the end, something big like The 8 Oz. with fries sounds spectacular, but falls flat when the technique and packaging don’t support it.

It’s the same with sex.

Many men obsess about penis size and worry that they don’t measure up, and as a result won’t be able to pleasure their partners. Watching porn doesn’t help the cause, as the men in those movies tend to be well-endowed.

It’s natural to wonder if you’re “normal.” Men constantly compare themselves to others in the locker-room, stealing sideways glances. But note that when a man sees his own penis, he is typically looking down, which gives a shortened perspective. Furthermore, erections tend to be the great equalizers when it comes to the penis. (I’m not going to get into statistics here, but you can check online sources if you need the numbers.)

More important, it’s who you are and what you do with what you’ve got that counts. As we sex educators say, it’s not the float of the boat, but the motion of the ocean that counts. In terms of meat, packaged right and prepared with good technique, 4 ounces or inches can easily outperform 8 ounces or inches.

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on January 26, 2012.

Dish: Tokyo Ramen
Place: Boom Noodle, Bellevue (also in Capitol Hill and University Village)
Price: $10.95

In the bowl: Chashu (braised pork butt), tamago (egg), menma (bamboo shoots), green onion, and a piece of nori (seaweed) in soy seasoned chicken-pork broth

Supporting cast/What to do: You can order fried garlic chips or fried shallots for an extra fifty cents, but I’d recommend this bowl as is. Just dive in. Any knowledgeable Japanese person will tell you that you should eat your ramen as quickly as possible to prevent the noodles from getting soggy and losing their texture. (Some would cite a seven-minute rule.)

Noodling around: Tokyo ramen has been the reimagined name of shoyu ramen on Boom’s menu, reflecting its region of popularity. Boom Noodle sells all of the “big four” varieties of ramen, from shoyu to tonkotsu (pork bone) to shio (salt) to miso, pulling out the fullest of flavors without using MSG. You’ll also find other types of ramen there, including spicy lemon (yuzu) chicken and spicy pork.

As much as I’ve partaken in the tonkotsu craze that seems to be sweeping American cities that are discovering ramen, I ultimately prefer shoyu for its lightness–and as the best way to judge the quality of a restaurant’s ramen. It allows me to focus on the noodles, the chashu, the broth, and the other elements of the soup.

Boom Noodle’s ramen has really evolved over the years. The slightly wavy noodles are better than before, the chashu is a thickness I like and has decent fat content, and the broth is meaty without being heavy. I wish the egg was soft-cooked to the right runniness; then again, I haven’t found such an egg at any of Seattle’s “dedicated” ramen places, though Spring Hill’s saimin and Revel’s ramen get it right.

If you want more: It’s always tempting to get ramen’s satisfying sidekick, gyoza (pork or vegetable, $6.95), but as a healthier option, I recommend edamame puree ($4.95). Sweet potato crisps, baby cucumber, and Japanese eggplant come as vehicles to scoop up the delicious puree, spiced with citrusy yuzu pepper.

Be aware/beware: Happy hour gets you the Tokyo ramen at a discounted price of $6.95, which is quite a deal. The edamame drops to $3.75, and the gyoza to $4.75.

As the name implies, Boom is about noodles in general, going beyond ramen. There’s pho, pad Thai, udon, yakisoba (egg noodles), and soba. In fact, for a vegetarian dish, the shiitake soba packs a lot of punch, pushed by the umami of the mushrooms. And the menu offers non-noodle dishes to explore as well.

Note: Boom Noodle is included in my round-up of Seattle-area Asian noodle restaurants as part of my cover story in the current IBUKI magazine (available at Japan-centric stores and restaurants).

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on January 23, 2012.

It was back to Boca Raton, Florida last week for a family visit, and the usual challenge of finding good eats. Boca’s not the best place for food (it’s Cheesecake Factory territory), and I had a variety of personal preferences to consider.

Pushing the envelope a bit, I decided that happy hour at a new place called Kapow! would be a less threatening way to sample some Asian dishes that would be new to a couple of my family members. Prices were very reasonable at three dollars per plate, and beer wouldn’t hurt!

Located at Mizner Park, Kapow! is a pretty hip place with an interesting mural as the showpiece. But taking advantage of Florida weather, we chose to eat outside, and worked our way through a good portion of the happy hour menu:

Shishitou peppers with crab & cheese stuffing, panko breading, and sweet and sour sauce

Seasonal pickles with apple cider vinegar

Crispy chicken skin with parmesan crisp and green beans

Pan-seared beef gyoza with sweet and sour sauce

Steamed buns with pork belly and pickled cucumbers, with grain mustard hoison sauce

Steamed buns with maitake mushroom, served with garlic soy sauce and scallions

Steamed shrimp dumplings (shumai) with chili pepper soy sauce and chives

Sauteed green beans with garlic and soy sauce

My family enjoyed a “different” kind of dining experience for them. My favorite dish was the shishitou peppers. Coming from Seattle, I found some of the food rather safe, though perhaps bold for Boca. (For example, there’s beef tongue on the regular menu, though that shouldn’t be so scary for the many retirees in the area who probably ate beef tongue as children.) I was tempted to try the ramen, given all the ramen-eating I’ve been doing, but $15 seemed expensive for a bowl, and reports (including photos I’ve seen) are that the broth is a deep brown, which is worrisome.

Cosi Duci is another place I picked, based on research on food message boards. I’d read that the set lunch offers good quality at a reasonable price, with three courses plus focaccia bread for just $10. (There are also a few items available at a la carte.) The day’s menu is available online each morning, though the day we went, it hadn’t yet posted when we walked out the door. Turns out we hit a meatless day, but the food (served family-style for the three of us) was ample and overall satisfying:

Focaccia bread

Split pea soup

Penne with vegetables

Eggplant rollatini

The focaccia and penne were a bit plain to me, and I’d describe the soup as bean more than pea. The eggplant was the highlight of the meal–very tasty. Cosi Duci is best-known as an Italian bakery, and I did enjoy the goodies I bought for later, including a cannoli with filling that was refreshingly not over-sweet, as well as raspberry linzer tarts.

Anxious to show off his appreciation of Asian food, my father took us to Shinju Japanese Buffet one night. This mini-chain draws big crowds enticed by the all-you-can-eat environment. You can pick out meats and vegetables for quick-cooking by wok or Mongolian grill. There are also endless steam tables full of General Tso’s-like dishes, and looking around at the tables (including my own), there were massive amounts of fried food being consumed. I focused on the sushi bar, filling my plate (and another, and another) with sushi and sashimi (ignoring the plentiful rolls), supplemented by miso soup and seaweed salad:

I must admit that the sushi, freshly prepared in view, was better than I expected, though I don’t want to think about the source of the seafood–or much of the other food, either. Even more frightening is how much the diners would partake of the dessert buffet after eating so much of the other food.

Although it’s the farthest of the three airports near Boca Raton, I like flying in or out of Miami because it usually enables us to eat one better meal before going to Boca. This time around, I wanted to find an easy stop between the airport and Boca, so some research led me to Red Light Little River. The restaurant is located on the ground floor of the Blu Motel (previously known as the Gold Dust Motel) in what has been known as the Red Light District of Miami. Upon landing after flying cross-country, outdoor seating along the river (we saw herons and were told we could see manatees during the day) felt right on a warm winter’s night, though it resulted in dark food photos.

We were pleased with the quality of the food and the fair pricing. A true trip to the south!

“Saints Will Win” gumbo and rice ($9, though not true, as the Saints lost)

Spinach salad with organic eggs, caramelized vidalia onions, and house-smoked bacon ($8)

Crab-stuffed anaheim pepper floating in vine-ripe tomato little neck clam stew ($15)

BBQ shrimp and dip bread ($10 for a half-order, and probably would be great with grits)

Whiskey raisin bread pudding with vanilla ice cream ($5)

The scene of the delicious crime

For the third edition of this month’s “Pizza Parlor Friday Holler” feature, I went down the hill to Lower Queen Anne to visit the new Seattle location of The Rock Wood Fired Pizza & Spirits.

The Rock opened its first pizza restaurant in Tacoma in 1995, and now boasts locations in Washington, Oregon, Colorado, and even Red Deer, Alberta. With interiors featuring broken brick and an industrial warehouse feel, The Rock is a lively place for pizza.

If classic rock whets your appetite, this is where you want to be, as you’ll find musical art on the walls, concert lighting above, and Aerosmith to Zeppelin out of the speakers. The pizza playlist is also interesting, as many of the pies are named after song or album titles. (Many of those titles are listed on the bold booth seatback cushions.)

These are American-style pizzas (between a thin and a thick crust) cooked in an almond wood-fed oven at temperatures approaching 600 degrees. If you’re looking for the delicateness of Neapolitan-style pizza, look elsewhere, like the previously discussed pies at Queen Margherita. What The Rock offers is a fun atmosphere with a wide slate of white sauce and red sauce pizzas, loaded with toppings—or the ability to customize your own pizza in a choice of three sizes.

Those not partaking in pizza can choose from an assortment of pasta dishes, burgers, chicken sandwiches, or other sandwiches and wraps. There are also appetizers and salads that are good starters, such as this basic garden salad that helped balance my pizza sampling:

As for the pizzas, here are four I sampled in their nine-inch glory:

Flirtin’ with Disaster: hot Italian sausage, andouille sausage, caramelized onions, fresh crushed garlic, tomato sauce, and red chili flakes.

Crazy Little Thing: tomato sauce with white onions, green pepper, sliced mushrooms, crushed garlic, and black olives.

Satisfaction: garlic butter, mozzarella, kalamata olives, sauteed spinach, red onions, roasted garlic, prosciutto, feta cheese, and drizzled Italian dressing.

Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy: tomato sauce topped wtih pepperoni, sweet sausage, peppered bacon, meatballs, ham, and extra mozzarella. (See what this particular pizza teaches us about sex here.)

Note: Photo of bar courtesy of Dave Baker, Art Director, The Rock Wood Fired Pizza & Spirits

It’s been quite a pizza run. Two weeks ago, Sexy Feast took me to Queen Margherita in Magnolia for thin-crust, Neopolitan-style pizza. Last week, in celebration of National Pizza Week, I went to Kylie’s Chicago Pizza in Fremont for a little deep dish action.

This week, I visited the new Queen Anne location of The Rock, a chain that started in Tacoma and has seen successful growth in the region and beyond. If classic rock whets your appetite, this is the place to be, with musical art on the walls, concert lighting above, and Aerosmith to Zeppelin out of the speakers. The pizza playlist is also interesting, as many of the pies are named after song or album titles.

So many of the pizzas had potential for this week’s Sexy Feast column, from “Satisfaction” to “Bad to the Bone” to “Flirtin’ with Disaster.” My choice was Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy, a red sauce pizza that will ward away vegetarians with toppings of pepperoni, sweet sausage, peppered bacon, meatballs, ham, and extra mozzarella. This American-style pizza (between a thin and a thick crust) will satisfy any carnivorous craving.

So what does The Rock’s Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy pizza teach us about sex?

It’s all about the validation of masturbation.

Sit before your pizza and it’s just you and your meat–a completely carnal affair.

Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy is a compilation album of singles by The Who which came out in 1971. I became aware of the album during my “puberty years,” and naturally found the title intriguing and stimulating. After all, I was discovering the world of breasts at the time, and while certain things had questionable sexual connotations, I was absolutely sure that by meaty, beaty, big and bouncy, The Who was talking titties.

One of the album’s songs is “Pictures of Lily,” which some radio stations banned because of sexual content. It’s the story of a boy with insomnia. He complains about “sleepless nights,” so his Dad puts pictures of Lily on his wall. Those pictures, the son says, “made my life so wonderful…helped me sleep at night…helped me feel alright.”

Who guitarist and songwriter Pete Townshend explained in an interview that the song is “merely a ditty about masturbation and the importance of it to a young man.”

Masturbation is also important to a young woman. Or a not-so-young man or woman. We all deserve pleasure, and we all can benefit from the peaceful relaxation that comes in the aftermath of self-pleasuring. Like Woody Allen said, “Masturbation, don’t knock it: It’s sex with someone I love.”

And like the protagonist in “Pictures of Lily” says, “Now my nights are not quite so lonely.”

Because, as at The Rock, an orgy of meat doesn’t require other people to help you get some satisfaction.

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on January 19, 2012.

Like many world travelers, I love to stare at maps. I’m drawn to distant areas with limited numbers of roads, and am especially intrigued by towns at the ends of such roads, picturing romance in remoteness.

Since well before I moved to the Pacific Northwest in 1999, I’ve wanted to visit Tofino on Vancouver Island. Looking at my Rand McNally road atlas, I’d long noticed that it’s the northernmost town on the Pacific Coast of the island that’s reachable by a red line, meaning a principal highway.

In fact, there don’t seem to be any other Pacific coastal towns to the north reachable by paved road; Winter Harbour at the upper end of the island is accessible by unpaved road, and it’s technically on Quatsino Sound, which leads in from the ocean.

Being on the Pacific and bestowed with many fine beaches, Tofino is a town full of “surfer dudes” (the total population is about 2,000), so the lifestyle is rather laid-back. Still, if you don’t surf, there are many other sensual pleasures to enjoy, even (or should I say especially) during inclement weather. So join me as we go to the remote town of Tofino, where we stamp this week’s Passport to Pleasure—a hedonistic quest for great food and good times for two, from nibbles to naughtiness.

Getting There

It’s possible to fly directly into Tofino (from a Canadian city), but to get a full sense of the “end of the road” location, you’ll want to drive from Victoria. The Victoria Clipper is an easy way to make the trip from Seattle to Victoria with an enjoyable three-hour ride, but another option is Kenmore Air. Leaving from Lake Union, you get a spectacular view of Seattle upon takeoff, and then it’s a quick and scenic one-hour flight until your seaplane lands in Victoria’s inner harbor. It’s a fun and romantic way to start your trip, especially if you’ve never taken a plane that’s landed on water.

Boarding the plane

Scenic view of Seattle

From Kenmore Air’s terminal in Victoria, it’s a very easy walk to National Car Rental, where you can pick up a car for the drive to Tofino. There are interesting stops you can make along the way, particularly for food (including True Grain Bread/Hilary’s Cheese at Cowichan Bay, and the Nanaimo Bar trail in Nanaimo), but it’s hard to pass up the previously discussed Fol Epi for the most amazing albacore tuna sandwiches.

If you can handle the temptation, hold off on eating those sandwiches until you reach Qualicum Beach (yes, it’s right near the source of those delicious scallops) where you can enjoy a picnic with a great view of the Strait of Georgia before crossing to the west coast of the island. You might also want to check out Coombs Old Country Market in Parksville if you want snacks or beverages for your ride, an interesting assortment of international foods to bring home, or a view of the goats on the store’s roof (really).

You’re now ready to take Route 4 to cut across the island. In wintery weather, keep a watch of the BCHighway Cams website for road conditions, as there are two tricky passes to traverse. (If you’re feeling the despair of snowy travel, breathe deep and enjoy the stunning “powdered sugar” look of the trees and mountains.) By the first, Port Alberni Summit, it’s worth a stop at Cathedral Grove. You can park for just a few minute to get a feel for the forest of towering Douglas fir trees, or if you have more time, take advantage of the network of hiking trails.

The town of Port Alberni is a possible mid-island stop of civilization that’s actually a port, at the head of Alberni Inlet. From there, the road gets more challenging as you approach Sutton Pass. At the start of the descent, you’ll feel like you’re in a car commercial, demonstrating aerodynamic properties as you navigate the road while it winds, with steep grades, as if plotted by a child or drunkard before finally reaching the coast. (There’s an information center just before the intersection.) Left takes you to Ucluelet, but you’re turning right (and staying on Route 4) for the remainder of the drive north to Tofino.

What to Do: Clayoquot Oyster Festival

Time it right, and the oyster lover in you can enjoy the annual Clayoquot Oyster Festival. Why a festival? Clayoquot Sound is a coveted cultivar of the bivalve, annually growing over 50,000 gallons of oysters. (Festival-goers consume over 8,000!) While the festival offers numerous activities, you’ll certainly want to check out the colorful Mermaid’s Ball. This is one of many times during the year when the townspeople of Tofino let their hair down, dressing in costumes and dancing the night away. Refreshments include an abundance of oysters served raw or barbequed in the “oyster pit,” and there are competitions for the likes of best costume and best oyster slurper.

Tofino locals shucking and showing off the fashion

Jellyfish lamps

In Tofino, love for oysters starts early

The culmination of the festival is the Oyster Gala, in which many of the locals shed their crazy costumes in favor of something more elegant. Here you’ll enjoy beer and wine tasting, along with more raw and barbequed oysters. But the highlight is that selected local restaurants serve samplings of the honored oysters prepared in diverse ways.

What Else to Do

You can find indoor activities if you like, from touring the Tofino Brewing Company to taking in regional art at the Eagle Aerie Gallery. But in Tofino, you want to take advantage of the terrific outdoors.

If you’re here for the Oyster Festival, Remote Passages puts on an educational oyster farm tour that will make you further appreciate what you’re eating. You’ll see the pristine waters of Lemmens Inlet, where lines of oysters (an eco-system unto themselves) are kept until it’s time to harvest. You’ll even get to sample the freshest oyster you can possibly imagine.

The oyster farm tour is a special event help just one day per year, but Remote Passages offers numerous other trips as they try to preserve the ecological value and timeless wonder of the sound. You can do a whale watch trip to spot gray whales (and more), a full-day hot springs trip (which includes a soak, a walk in an ancient rainforest, and wildlife spotting), and bear watch trip. Remote Passages also assists with sea kayaking trips.

Remote Passages takes you to the oyster farm

Clean water and a beautiful day

Oysters have their own eco-system

As fresh as can be

As you might expect, there are fantastic hiking trails both in and out of Pacific Rim National Park. The Schooner Trail, one kilometer in each direction, is at the north end of Long Beach, and is especially good at low tide. (Knowledge of tides is important in Tofino!) Or try Combers Beach Trail, which winds through Sitka spruce forest and reaches a beach where you can see trees stunted by winds and the ocean’s salt. Choose just about any beach in the area and you’ll cherish views that are well worth the effort of traveling to Tofino.

The fauna of Tofino

South of Tofino, in Ucluelet, you can take a walk on the wild side on the Wild Pacific Trail. The windy trails reveal spectacular scenery as you go through coastal temperate rainforest with take in views of Barkley Sound to the east and the Pacific Ocean to the west (and south). There’s a 2.6 kilometer loop that is easy and picturesque.

View from the Wild Pacific Trail

Animal or vegetable?

Maybe the main reason to visit late fall or winter is storm watching. It sounds strange to travel so far for a weather experience you might dislike at home, but the powerful beauty of the sights and sounds of the wind and waves is captivating—whichever side of the window you’re on.

Beach view

Moments later

Looking down

A few minutes later

One minute later

Where to Stay I: Long Beach Lodge

If you go bananas for beachfront views, Long Beach Lodge Resort is hard to beat. The lodge has 41 luxury rooms, most with ocean views. The staff is warm and friendly, and amenities include waterproof rain jackets to help insure you’ll talk advantage of beach walks right in your backyard. You’ll be tempted to explore the beach before or after breakfast, during the day, and especially in the evening to watch as the sun sets. If you’re cold or tired, take in the view from your soaker tub.

Wake to a buffet breakfast (included in your rate, with other meals available at additional charge) in the scenic Great Room, where you can linger over coffee while watching the beach come to life.

Long Beach Lodge suite

The view from the room

Looking back at the Lodge

The breakfast buffet will help you wake up

The Great Room at the Lodge, where you can enjoy your meals

The beach in the morning

Sunset on the sand

A last look at the waves rolling in

A couple enjoys an evening kiss

Where to Stay II: The Wickaninnish Inn

Just north of Long Beach is Chesterman Beach, which provides a dramatic setting for the spectacular Wickanninish Inn. Each of the 75 guest rooms and suites boasts a fireplace, soaker tub, and balcony that offers ocean or beach views. The Wick, as it’s affectionately called, is a Relais & Châteaux property, coveting the “5 C’s”: charm, courtesy, character, cuisine, and calm.

This is an elegant and yet unstuffy property, with lots to explore. The Lookout Library has historic artifacts, a DVD library, and dramatic Chesterman Beach views. The Driftwood Lounge is a relaxing place for breakfast or a snack throughout the day. A fitness center will help you burn calories, though there are walks right outside, including a rainforest beach loop trail.

The Wick is home to the luxurious Ancient Cedars Spa. This is a full-service spa that offers extensive body and aesthetic treatments. You can indulge in a couples massage or more extensive package, perhaps in the “Rainforest Haven” or “Cedar Sanctuary.” There’s a relaxing eucalyptus steam room, and you’ll always remember sitting outside, even in the cold, wrapped in blankets with tea while enjoying a foot soak and forest/water view before your main treatment.

When you return to your room after dinner, you’ll appreciate the turndown service and the sultry sounds of Diana Krall on your Bose system. Do you throw on provided raingear and take a romantic walk on the beach to experience the pounding surf? Head to the double-soaker tub? Snuggle in front of the fireplace and picture window? You can do all three, perhaps in that order.

A spectacular setting for a hotel

A luxurious room at the Wickaninnish Inn

The view from the room

A chance to lounge…in the Lounge

The view from the spa

Surfers enjoying the water

Romantic, stunning strolls on Chesterman Beach, even during storms

Where to Eat: The Pointe Restaurant

The Pointe Restaurant at the Wickaninnish Inn was built meticulously so that, anchored on the rocks overlooking Chesterman Beach, diners can appreciate a 240-degree view of the pounding Pacific surf. There’s even a speaker system (with microphones outside) that enables diners to feel like they’re outside, in the midst of a major storm.

Some settings are forever memorable. This is one of them.

The food is fabulous, too. The cuisine is built upon coastal seafood, the island’s farm-fresh ingredients, and a discriminating selection of Pacific Northwest Wines.

Scallop amuse bouche

Medicine Farms organic winter greens with endive, frozen Okanagan grapes, almond & ginger granola, and vanilla & lemon yogurt

Qualicum scallop sashimi with Meyer lemon, grapefruit, and pomegranate

Cumin chicken broth with braised chicken, beans, coriander, and lime

Long Pepper duck breast with buckwheat spätzle, smoked plum, anise, radicchio, and orange

Smoked albacore tuna with squash boulanger, pancetta, endive, and brown butter jus

Sauvignon blanc-poached Bartlett pears with spiced brioche, Wisers Whiskey candies, hops ice cream, chocolate paint, and micro-greens (Note: Pastry Chef Matt Wilson offers both conventional and unconventional dessert menus. I wish my appetite would have allowed me to explore more of the unconventional dessert menu, which includes savory elements and other twists. In the future, hopefully…)

Where to Eat: Spotted Bear Bistro

At Spotted Bear Bistro, Vince Fraissange is at the helm behind the hand-milled, salvaged cedar bar that fronts the open kitchen. Fraissange, who worked previously at La Crocodile and Lumiere, and sailed the world as a private chef on yachts, is now grounded in Tofino taking advantage of seasonal and local ingredients. You’ll see this play out in his tasty take on pho, which includes pork and prawn patties, as well as smoked albacore tuna. Albacore plays the starring role in a perfect balanced tartare spiked with soy truffle vinaigrette. This intimate, friendly bistro features a simple menu; look for one soup, one salad, a pizza and pasta, and some protein offerings, like pan-seared Fraser Valley duck breast in various preparations. Best bet is to turn control over to the kitchen in going with a four-course tasting menu for $60.

Tartare: Albacore tuna, cucumber, soy truffle vinaigrette, warm toasts

Pho: Vietnamese style noodle soup, smoked Albacore tuna, pork & prawn patties,
fresh herbs, sprouts, lime

Duck: crispy pan-seared Fraser valley breast, potatoes, leeks, confit short rib ragout, and port wine gastrique

Dessert: Chocolate pot du creme

Chef Vince Fraissange in the kitchen

Where to Eat: Other

There are many places to try fish and chips in Tofino. Some say Shelter does it best.

Fish and chips: beer-battered lingcod, Shelter house-cut fries, basil-mint coleslaw, tartar sauce, and malt vinegar

Pacific lingcod burger: lingcod fillet, basil-mint coleslaw, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and onion ring

SoBo stands for Sophisticated Bohemian. This food truck turned restaurant uses fresh, local ingredients to serve diverse dishes in a cheery environment.

Inside SoBo

Smoked wild fish chowder: wild salmon in a creamy dill broth

Speaking of food trucks, Tacofino is so popular that its operators applied for (and received) one of the coveted positions of new food trucks in Vancouver. The Tofino location still draws long lines for its delicious soup, tacos, burritos, and, of course, the sinfully delicious chocolate Diablo cookies, spiked with cayenne pepper.

Lining up for food

Even when it’s cold, Tacofino will warm you up

Up close with a burrito and taco

Note:

• Clayoquot Sound photo (second from top), Alberni Highway photo, and Clayoquot intertidal fauna photo courtesy of Tourism Vancouver Island – ChrisCheadle.com.
• Long Beach Lodge Resort photos (suite, “Looking back at the lodge,” breakfast buffet, and Great Room) courtesy of Long Beach Lodge Resort, Tofino.
• Wickaninnish Inn photos (“spectacular setting,” “luxurious room,” spa, Chesterman Beach” courtesy of The Wickaninnish Inn, as are the “Lounge” photo (taken by Chris Pouget) and the “surfers” photo (taken by Wayne Barnes).

Dish: “Noodles Combo”
Place: King Noodle, International District
Price: $6.99

In the bowl: Your choice of soup base, noodles, and toppings (including vegetables)

Supporting cast/What to do: Your server will give you a form (in Chinese and English) and a pen. If you’re having a noodle bowl, you’ll need to build it yourself from the ingredient list, filling out the form and turning it in to your server. You can also order appetizers and other items on this form.

Noodling around: There’s work to do if you come for a noodle bowl. You can spend an agonizing amount of time deliberating your decision. A friend suggested that they do recommendations, like “house specials.” But remember that at King Noodle, you’re in control, which is part of the fun.

First, there’s an interesting assortment of six soup bases: chicken broth, original fish soup, hot spicy, Szechuan spicy, sour & hot, and Thai tom yum goong. Next six noodle choices: (rice) vermicelli, flat rice noodles, QQ noodles, udon, instant noodles (!), and wonton noodles. Then a choice of two out of four vegetable “garnish” toppings: bean sprouts, cabbage, leeks (Chinese chives), and mushrooms. Finally, there are 16 regular toppings. Most are proteins, from BBQ duck to cuttlefish balls, but there are also vegetarian options like seaweed and pumpkin. “Fungus trip” and “Luncheon” remain mysteries for now.

I wanted something spicy, and knew that Szechuan spicy would mean the ma la numbing effect that I love, so I chose that broth. (The hot spicy was similar, without Szechuan peppercorn; both could have been spicier for my taste, but they’ll certainly be spicy enough for most people.) Curious about QQ noodles, my server said they’re Taiwanese and made with wheat and eggs, but white in color. Bigger than wonton noodles (similar in size to fettucine), I was happy with that choice. My “garnishes” were leek and mushroom (unfortunately, they were button mushrooms instead of shiitake, which would be much better), and as I can’t resist offal, I had numerous choices and went with beef tripe and pork kidney. The tripe portion was skimpy, but the pork kidney was fine.

Overall, it was a satisfying bowl of soup, and staring at the menu, I kept considering what the other combinations would be like.

If you want more: The appetizer list is full of fun options for offal lovers, from Szechuan-style pork stomach to marinated pork intestines. If you get offal in your noodle bowl, I’d recommend the pork and vegetable dumplings, pan-fried instead of steamed ($3.60 for 6, or $7.50 for 12, which will certainly make you wonder why there’s an upcharge for more!). These plump dumplings are house-made, and served with soy sauce. (Note that if you’re especially hungry, you can also add more toppings to your noodle bowl at $1.50 per item.)

Be aware/beware: While I was disappointed with the button mushrooms as one of my garnish toppings, if you choose mushrooms as a regular topping, you’ll get a generous portion of enoki mushrooms. The flat rice noodles are cut shorter than usual, so they “break” easily and were harder to eat with chopsticks than the longer cuts. The chicken broth was pretty good, and seeing free-range chicken as a topping on the menu was refreshing. Lastly, the rice stone pots looked tempting, and also offer item choices.

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on January 16, 2012.

Last week, Sexy Feast took me to Queen Margherita in Magnolia for thin-crust, Neopolitan-style pizza. This week, in celebration of National Pizza Week, I wanted more pizza, but something a little different.

Luckily, last month I purchased a Seattle Weekly VOICE Daily Deal for Kylie’s Chicago Pizza. For $12, I had $24 to spend, which would cover any of the nine Chicago-style, deep dish pizzas. I went with the “Combo.” The cornmeal crust stands tall, holding a layer of cheese and lots of chunky tomato sauce. The Combo is stuffed with fillings: pepperoni, sweet fennel sausage, onions, green bell peppers, mushrooms, and black olives. It’s a beauty to behold, and will certainly make you wonder, “How am I going to take this whole thing in?”

So what does Kylie’s Chicago-style pizza teach us about sex?

It’s all about deciding whether to go deep.

As I’m from Long Island, my preferred pizza is New York-style. You grab a slice, fold it so the edges almost meet, let the grease drip down to the paper plate, and then eat out of hand. That said, deep dish pizza is fun for a change, as it’s impressive in its heft, with the meaty version like a “masculine quiche.” But not everyone is as accepting of both styles as me, even with my bias. In the eating out battle of Chicago versus New York, some people like going deep, while others gag on the thought.

It’s the same with oral pleasuring, including fellatio.

Many people enjoy deep kissing. A probing tongue plays inside each partner’s mouth, and the swirling of tongues excites the many nerve endings they contain. Others, though, are uncomfortable with this and keep the kissing to the lips, as if seeing another’s tongue as a snake, and saliva as venom.

And then there’s deep throating, a form of fellatio in which the penis is taken deep into the partner’s mouth, reaching the throat. This can cause a gag reflex, which might ultimately be unpleasant for both parties. The “insertee” may enjoy deep throating, though it’s possibly from the satisfaction of providing (perceived) pleasure to his or her partner. Note that the act doesn’t have to be uncomfortable for the insertee. Training helps. Certain positions tend to be more comfortable in relaxing the throat, such as lying on the back with the head just off the bed and tipped downward, which levels the mouth and throat closer to a straight line.

For the “insertor,” the thrill may also be more psychological than physical. This comes from a sense that the partner is really into him and his penis by demonstrating a desire to completely “devour” the penis. In actuality, though, most of the stimulation comes from the lips and the tongue, so deep throating can be under-stimulating and overrated.

As with choosing pizza, the decision to go deep is a personal one. You’ll want to discuss it with your companion, but in the end, you must feel comfortable with your choice. Fortunately, through thick and thin, there are many paths to pleasure.

First published in Seattle Weekly’s Voracious on January 12, 2012.

And here’s more, excerpted from my piece at TheSunbreak.com as my second of a month-long Pizza Parlor Friday Holler:

Back when airplane travel was much easier, I’d dash out of O’Hare Airport during long layovers to pick up a deep-dish pizza. If I planned my time wisely, I could count on the “L” to take me to places like Giordano’s or Gino’s East, returning in time to stuff myself with stuffed pizza on the plane, making my seatmates jealous.

Kylie’s is much closer than Chicago, though you’ll need to consider your time here as well. The menu advises a 25-minute wait for a deep-dish pizza. Some people call in their order ahead of time, though if you’re eating in, you’ll also need to consider table availability, as Kylie’s is a small space that can get crowded. (It will seem even smaller if you’re stuck listening to two tables with babies screaming in stereo. Parents, have you considered take-out?)

To fill the wait time and to fulfill a hungry stomach, I started with chicken wings. The menu promised over a pound of wings (they were mostly drummies) with baby carrots (easier to prep than celery, I suppose) and a choice of ranch or blue cheese dressing, all for $9. With nine wings on the plate, they came to one dollar apiece, and they disappointed as “Buffalo” style, lacking the crispy “seal” of a deep-fried wing (these were slightly soggy) as well as the spicy punch.

Fortunately, Kylie’s did Chicago better than it did Buffalo. (There are also thin-crust pizzas available, but if at Chicago-style joint, what’s the point?) In a meaty mood, thoughts of sausage and pepperoni prevailed as I went with the “Combo.” The 10-inch pie ($18; there’s also a 12-inch version for $24) sets you up with six pork-filled slices that also include green peppers, onions, mushrooms, and black olives.

It’s a colossal affair, and in contrast to the New York-style slice that you pick up, fold (letting the extra grease run down to the paper plate), and eat out of hand, Chicago-style means utensils. The tall slice stands strong due to the thick crust, which requires a little light sawing with a knife. That crust, made with cornmeal, is a bit buttery and slightly tangy. With all of the fillings (including the chunky tomato sauce), I felt like I was eating more of a quiche than a pizza.

The sausage pieces were larger than I like, with those at the top of the pie a little overcooked and dried out. Next time, I’ll probably revert back to my preferred, basic cheese pie. But overall, the pizza was pretty good, with two slices sufficient for dinner—leaving the third slice (it reheats well, pleasing to this person who prefers not to eat cold pizza) as a bonus for breakfast the next day.